possible reasons they didn't text back about the playdate

If you’re an anxious over-thinker like me, then you know this dance…

Plans are made — casually, of course.

You send a text to follow up, confirming details in a friendly but not too aggressive, and open-ended — but not too passive way.

“Hey, is tomorrow still good? Molly’s excited! How’s 1pm?”

Two hours go by and nothing… the rodent wheel inside the brain starts creaking into motion, slowly — then increasingly more rapid as the hours go by.

Checks phone, nothing.

“Oh no, what am I going to tell Molly. She was so excited but now they’re definitely not coming. Now I’m going to have to tell her it’s CANCELED. She’s going to be heartbroken. I cleaned the whole house for nothing. I’m so STUPID. I wonder WHY they’re not coming… ugh… maybe in the 48 hours since we confirmed face to face at drop off…”

They found out their kid actually hates my kid and they’re trying to figure out how to back out of this politely.
Actually, every kid hates my kid and every parent hates ME and there’s a group text going around about how to avoid us without tipping us off.
They looked up my address on Zillow and realized we’re too poor to hang out with.
They discovered my online persona, are thoroughly horrified (cringe!!) and shocked I would even ATTEMPT to hang out with a decent family like theirs.
They decided to switch schools and get a new phone number JUST to avoid this playdate.

Then the response comes JUST before bedtime:

“Cool, sounds good. {Child’s name redacted} is so excited too! She can’t stop talking about her playdate with Molly. And sorry for the delay, we’ve been out skiing all day. See you tomorrow!”

Cool, cool. Yeah, we’re cool… Just super chill over here. Thanks for confirming, I mean ya know, whatevssss I’m cool.

Aaaand SCENE.

I’ve been wired this way for as long as I can remember, so at this point — I am able to watch the process unfold like clockwork.

Step One: Experience an extremely mild trigger

Step Two: Anxious swirl of catastrophizing thoughts that become increasingly wild and dramatic as time goes on

Step Three: Surprisingly mild resolution of said trigger

Step Four: Back to brain business as usual.

Now I’m intentionally making light of this here, but anxious over-thinking can be deeply painful and debilitating.

It hijacks our peace, keeps us stuck in worst-case scenarios, and drains the joy from even the best moments. Instead of being present, we’re mentally rewriting conversations, analyzing every detail, and bracing for disasters that never come.

I was first diagnosed and medicated for anxiety in college. It was crippling through my early 20’s and I experienced infrequent, but frighteningly intense panic attacks.

As I committed wholeheartedly to my healing — and I mean the full court press — my anxiety meaningfully improved. Now, when my thoughts swirl, I usually experience them like a mosquito buzzing around my head.

Annoying, for sure. And yes — it can get my cortisol up a bit.

But I experience those thoughts & feelings as something finite and separate and also — impermanent. They are something afflicting me, but they are not me. Mosquitos loooove some of our blood more than others folks, and they do leave itchy welts. But as far as I know, they can’t body snatch and assume your entire identity (though damn, that would make a really scary movie, wouldn’t it)?

So instead of thinking:

❌ “I’m so nuts — I always do this,” try…
✅ “My brain creates worst-case scenarios really quickly when there is a threat present. So interesting that my brain does that!”

Through my coaching practice, I developed a Three-Step Framework called “Process Release Rebuild,” inspired by my own lived experience as someone who can’t just “relax” and “Let Them” (sorry Mel Robbins). If you’re someone who feels things deeply and often, I’m hoping this is helpful for you too:

STEP ONE — PROCESS:

Journal out every single detail about the situation. Not “what is my brain telling me?” but what are the facts in objective reality. A big key here is to WRITE rather than mentally swirl! For one, it gives your anxiety something to do (idle hands are the devil’s plaything, after all) and secondly — it starts to coax your rational mind back online. Neuroscience research shows that writing things down is MUCH more effective for processing than just thinking it through, so don’t rush this piece. I often refer to it as “closing tabs in the brain.” (Now if anyone ever found my journal I’d absolutely get locked up cuz I be processing a lot — but that’s a story for another day).

STEP TWO — RELEASE:

We’ve already established that this is a no judgment zone, right?

Yes, of course, I realize I don’t need to be freaking out about a playdate text—but telling myself to “calm down” when my nervous system is in a state of physiological activation is simply not productive. When stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are surging through my body, a little logic ain’t gonna switch them off.

So—I find an activity (or activities) that help discharge the actual stress. The text situation is the stressor (which we addressed in step one), but the stress response itself is a biochemical and physiological process happening in your body.

Go for a walk. Shake. Tap. Dance. Take a workout class. Clean. Garden.

Then, once you’ve done something active, follow it up with something soothing. My go-to is a hot bath or a guided meditation with headphones in—sometimes both at the same damn time. From my experience with anxious folks (and backed by research on the nervous system), regulation happens more effectively when you first discharge excess energy through movement before shifting into relaxation.

Because let’s be real—we are not the “just relax” kind of people.

STEP THREE — REBUILD:

Now, and only now — is the time to take action.

You’ve made sense of the situation from a logical / facts-driven point of view. You’ve discharged the stress and gotten your nervous system into a moderately regulated place.

You may still feel mildly activated, but no so much that you’re in full fight / flight / freeze mode.

So send that text back, “Hey, just following up to make sure we’re on for tomorrow” or take action towards whatever situation is triggering YOU.

In this new reality, you realize that the worst thing that could happen is actually… not that bad.

Okay, so I know what you might be thinking… “This is a LOT of effort just to deal with the emotions of someone not texting me back??”

And for some people, yeah—it might be overkill.

But if you’re truly an anxious overthinker, working with your emotions in a consistent, hands-on, and intentional way is the only path to real relief. Over time, you’ll be able to move through my three steps in less than five minutes: a few sentences in your journal, a round of jumping jacks, some deep belly breaths—then you get on with your life. No longer trapped in the hamster wheel of your racing mind.

I’ve often said that my mental health is kind of like living with Type 1 Diabetes. It’s totally manageable when I stay on top of it—but if I don’t, things can spiral fast.

So if your brain is wired like mine, don’t skip the care just because it feels like a lot of effort.

Because that effort? That’s what sets you free.

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Amanda Baudier

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