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Insights
Shame is a Shitty Teacher
Amanda Baudier
28 May 25
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How old were you when you first experienced shame?
We all know how it feels, right? The visceral cringe that makes you want to curl up into a ball, vanish into thin air, or hide under your bed (forever).
Maybe it was a parent, a teacher, or a “mean girl” who served you your first dose of this toxic brew…
Maybe your earliest experiences with shame came cloaked in good intentions — from someone who truly wanted you to succeed and believed they were motivating you by showing you all the ways you were wrong.
Because no one ever taught them that shame is a shitty teacher.
Shame is a legacy emotion.
It’s passed down via family lineage, religious institutions, school systems, hustle culture, and societal programming. It’s subconsciously baked into our psyches through mass media and pop culture.
We might not even realize how much shame we carry until we try to break out of the systems that raised us…
As long as we stick to the script, do what’s expected of us, and conform — we receive tacit acceptance that shields us from experiencing the depth of the latent shame within.
Shame keeps us small and stuck.
Shame is the internal “Nun with a ruler,” striking our knuckles when we speak up in class.
But when we decide to break the mold?
To chase our biggest, most unlikely, most outside-of-the-box dreams?
Not only will we experience a rush of external questioning and disapproval — we’ll also be confronted by the internalized shame that has been lying dormant, just waiting to be epigenetically triggered by a bold move.
Shame is a survival mechanism.
It has ancient roots in the cultural practice of shunning, where individuals were exiled or ostracized from their community as a form of punishment. Because our nervous systems are wired for belonging, this social exclusion registered as a threat to survival — making shame not just an emotion, but a primal fear response designed to keep us “in line” by any means necessary.
I am 99% positive I was “shunned” in a few past lives… stoned by angry townspeople, forced to live on the outskirts of society for being an “objectionable woman,” or whatnot.
Maybe your soul has memories like that too.
Maybe you’ve even been shunned in THIS life — by your family, your church, or your peer group — for making life choices that didn’t align with theirs.
And that “I don’t belong” shame feels really, really shitty.
Far from being a motivational force — it can stop growth in its tracks.
The thing about the nervous system is — it doesn’t care if you are successful.
It doesn’t even care if you are happy.
It just wants you to be SAFE.
Conformity = belonging = safety.
The practice of personal growth, then, is in large part — developing the capacity to voluntarily and consistently put yourself in situations that your most primal, shame-fueled nervous system finds inherently unsafe.
And — we don’t do that by layering on more shame.
We do that through radical self-compassion.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you’re “off the hook” or absolved of all your wrongdoings.
I often joke that nobody on the planet has the “right” amount of shame. Folks are either shameless (I could name a few politicians and celebs in that category) or TOO shame-filled.
If you’re reading this far, my guess is that you fall into the second camp and do NOT run the risk of ignoring or downplaying your flaws. If anything, you’ll need to constantly remind yourself to invite compassion. You’ll need to debate that little voice in your head (remember? the one that got there when you were just a little person?) that is conditioned to throw shame-salt on your open wounds… when you make a mistake or things don’t pan out as you planned.
Sustainable transformation is only possible when you can hold up a clean mirror and look at yourself — with all your flawed humanness — and honestly say,
“This is the perfect place to start, and I deserve the chance to try again.”
Brené Brown beautifully states that,
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
When I started my own journey of healing and dream-chasing, my parts were rusty as FUCK.
There was no motion in those change-making gears because the corrosion was so deep and embedded.
My soul needed a lot more than WD-40 to get out of inertia and into serviceable condition… it needed a goddamn alchemical explosion.
It took years — countless hours of healing, coaching, and so much prayer (!!) — for me to start believing that I was capable — let alone WORTHY — of pursuing anything but the most practical, predictable, and productive dream.
My friend Madison Utendahl of recently posted:
“There’s a specific kind of burnout… that comes from doing things you’re good at but no longer give a shit about.”
And from my perspective, one of the reasons we stay stuck in our “Zone of Competence” rather than stretching into our “Zone of Genius” longer than we should, is because of this shame-induced fear.
Fear of failure.
Fear of judgment.
Fear of being shunned.
It’s easy enough to say, “go for it.”
“Go chase your dreams, girlie — you got this.”
It’s a totally different thing to confront decades of what’s been drilled into you and actually chase those dreams…
With my clients, I often “titrate” them in this direction…
Microdose risk, change, visibility, boldness…
What do YOU need to “microdose” to get out of shame-induced-smallness?
Give your nervous system the chance to realize that an angry mob did NOT, in fact, appear to stone you and exile you to the outskirts of the village.
Maybe you DO get a side-eye or hate from a rando on the internet — or good ole' mom & dad.
But you survived! And lived to take another breath.
And on the other side of that deep inhale… pause… deep exhale… pause — you invited self-compassion.
You reminded your current self — and your inner child self — how worthy you are of full expression.
How capable, how resilient, how SACRED.
The little shame-spiraler inside of you might never go away — I know mine hasn’t — but now I invite compassion for HER too.
May we all have the bravery to go after that which lights our soul on fire.
And may we have the compassion to nurture ourselves when we inevitably fall short of our loftiest dreams.
Sustainable success is built on self-kindness, not self-bullying.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers
Where has shame been stopping you lately? And what would it look like to meet that edge with compassion instead? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.
Don’t forget to subscribe if you’re digging my Substack. It had to bust through a few shame-spirals (“who CARES what YOU have to say?”) to get here…
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